ETC Holiday Cage Match


undead uni 4



undead uni 5


My name’s Undead Ed.  I started life as a mishmash of toilet paper tubes, aluminum foil, ping-pong balls, push pins, paper clips and newspaper, all crudely lashed together with masking tape.


unicorn ingredients


I still looked pretty good here; didn’t I? There was so much potential for me to emerge as a beautiful butterfly. Ahhh, I had such hopes and dreams! Was I to be a rare, exquisite unicorn with a long, flowing mane, prancing through the forest, granting wishes to lovely maidens, shimmering with glittery goodness and farting rainbows?

Oh, HELL no.

undead uni 2


Because there I was, minding my own g-d business, when a horde of frickin’ zombies came along and frickin’ KILLED me! Chewed their way through my neck until my head came off, and now I’m doomed to spend all eternity in search of braaaaaains without even having a body!

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get around when you’re just a head? Seriously. I have to use my frickin’ tongue to drag myself along the ground, and forget about anyone standing still long enough for me to eat their brains. Even sloths can outrun me now. I have to settle for hibernating June bugs, or the occasional animal helplessly caught in a leg trap, and half the time those bastards kick my ass anyway.

undead uni 3

On the bright side I’ve still got a glittery rainbow barrette and pretty ribbon to remind me of my glory days, but it’s only a matter of time before some ass-wipe frickin’ steals ’em. It’s not like I can do anything about it.

As for the rest of my body? I don’t even want to know where it got off to.

undead uni 1

So, yeah.  My existence pretty much sucks now.  All those sweet little innocent maidens who flocked around me before? Fickle bitches won’t come near me now. But I’m still the same fun-loving guy I was when I was alive. How do they not see that?


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